THE PARLIMENTARY PANTO

Christmas is coming and the goose is wasting away. Times are hard as my uncle Sid used say when anyone in the family tried to tap him for a sub, for many folk this year the festivities will go with a bang, and that is all they will be able to afford for Christmas dinner, bangers. For our Parliamentary masters however, it will be John Lewis as usual, and to bring joy to the world they will be performing a Christmas Pantomime, the preferred venue was to have been the Albert Hall, but the administrators of that august arena wouldn't accommodate the Parliamentarians at any price, in fact about the only place that would tolerate their presence was the Co-Op hall in Wiggan.

Star turn is dear Gordon, you know the one, prudence in a jock strap. The dear leader will be playing Baron Hard up, not that he actually is of course, but as he has made the rest of us broke he will pass muster in the part. Naturally, Peter Mandelson will have a staring role, under his stage name of lord Mushy peas, he will sing that delightful duet from the Gondoliers, you know, the one that goes a bit like "And one of us will be a queen and sit on a rock hard bone, with a frown instead of a crown on her head and an oligarchs yacht for her own"

David Milliband will pull funny faces for the delectation of the audience, not that he will actually have to do anything, the man looks gormless in any situation, the great difficulty will be in persuading the authorities he is old enough to tread the boards as he does not seem old enough for his balls to have dropped yet. The opposition Tories are to be represented by George Osborn, he promises to give a rendition of the Eton boat song, translated into the Russian of course. The Lib Dems are not taking part, word on the grape vine has it they are feeling a little queer these days, plus ca change plus ca la meme chose.

Alastair Darling is to be on the box office, taking the public's money to pay for a duff performance, talk about art imitating life. I wish the performers all success, in the sure and certain knowledge the politicos will make a complete dogs breakfast of it as they make of everything else they set their grubby little paws to.

You may think this is unduly harsh, no, not at all. If you really want to witness the dirt being dished to our tawdry elite then log on to www.satyricon-books.co.uk But be warned, if you are politically correct and love New Labour, then you will bloody hate it.