Friday, 26 May 2017


What are they putting in the tea at our centres of academic excellence these days? Well, it can not be bromide, especially at Nottingham Trent University. I do not know if this is a proper institution of learning or one of those gimcrack outfits which in our egalitarian age litter every street corner and exist only to propagate the pretensions of the terminally thick, which is why they are so popular with the youth of today who couldn’t pour piss out of a boot even if the instructions were printed on the heel, particularly as they can not read in the first place. Have I offended you dear ones? Well I bloodywell hope so as the experience will do you good, even if you go blind as a consequence.
Enough of this whimsy and let us get down to the nuts of this issue. A psychologist at the said University has recommended that employers institute masturbation breaks, I presume they would be for the male staff as most would conclude that the majority of bosses are wankers in the first place and not in need of extra stimulation. Of course the logistics might be a tad complicated, does a bell ring at set times and all rush off to a designated area? Or would they sneak off for a quick tug of lust behind the bike shed? Or deciding to let it all hang out and stand in a circle in the middle of the office trying to see who would be first off the mark which might not be a particularly wise move as Doris the tea lady could walk in on them and either have a heart attack or, even worse, help herself to what was on offer which would undoubtedly dampen their spirits.
What has our civilisation come to? It makes my spirits droop to think of it all, and the waste of all that money spent on obtaining an education which only teaches one how to have a wank, an occupation not normally in need of instruction. But, enough of this levity, we are in the throes on an election, with great decisions to be made, therefore we must all pull together.