Monday, 7 August 2017


I do not want to disappoint but this screed has nothing to do with the Bible despite the title. It is not about fiery chariots descending from on high to shower the wisdom of the World onto the shoulders of Elisha. The chariot in question is the modern equivalent of the horse drawn contraption, an aeroplane, and while it was not the Angel Gabriel who descended to Earth preparatory to sounding the last trump, it was one of the passengers who trumped it up, not on a brass instrument but through his fundamental orifice, in plain and unambiguous language, he farted. Now we have all at some times in our passage through this vale of social faux pas, dropped a clanger, and then blamed it on the dog, unfortunately on this occasion there was no canine present to shoulder the embarrassment, so they evacuated the ‘plane.

I kid you not dear readers, one fart and the airline schedules were blown to the winds. The craft landed at Raleigh-Durham airport, the smell was so bad that the passengers were evacuated; one rip snorting raspberry and they had to get the delicate flowers off. According to reports they were suffering nausea and headaches. Did the oxygen masks drop down? Was there panic and screaming? Or, more probably were they phoning their lawyers preparatory to suing the carrier, after all this is America where a fart is as good an excuse for a multi million dollar law suite as you are likely to get this side of a public urinal.

This must have been the Hiroshima and Nagasaki of anal emissions to cause an entire ‘plane to be emptied, I can not imagine such a happening even if an entire team of rugby players had blasted forth after a night spent necking ten pints of Guinness topped off with a plateful of vindaloo.

Despite the pandemonium, nothing has been said about the delinquent sod with the rebellious sphincter, did they force feed him a dose of syrup of figs to clean him out? Or contact Gwyneth Paltrow for advice on his diet? Or just told him to stuff a cork up his arse and suggested in words of Anglo-Saxon simplicity not to add to the effects of climate change? We will probably never know, but remember, this is America where talking shite is a social obligation,. So we should not be surprise that they fart better than the rest of us.

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