Sunday, 1 February 2009


You wouldn’t Adam and Eve it, talk about the Almighty regarding life as a dump in the ante room to the hereafter, which regarding the fact that this tale takes place in Zimbabwe isn’t so bad a simile. Doubtless you have all heard the saying “Taking the piss”, well, what I have to tell you takes the concept a whole load further. A friend of mine has just returned from Zimbabwe, you know, that place in Africa where some geezer called Mugabe, has single handedly stuffed the economy, and blamed the Roman Empire for the resultant chaos. One can just imagine the old fraud fumbling about in the bathroom, trying to locate the whereabouts of his glass eye while muttering to himself “That Julius Caesar, it’s ‘is fault. It’s ‘im wot done it”. While the old fool is doddering about the family homestead, which he half inched from it’s previous owner, his missus, ‘Amazing Face’ is waltzing around the World knocking seven bells out of reporters in posh hotels. After that little diatribe, you will know the place I am referring to. But, I digress, I do apologise, even though I do not mean it.

This will come as no surprise to the more marginally astute amongst my readership, but my friend, while on holiday, was subject to the normal biological processes, id est, what goes in as digestion must eventually come out as excretion. To cut a long story short, my friend was taken short, it happens to all of us from time to time. Fred, as we’ll call him to save his blushes, feeling the imperative of nature, toddled off to the municipal eartha for a Tom Tit.

It was not the shock of having to go which so unsettled Fred, after all, such an eventuality is to be expected during the course of life, even in Zimbabwe, where constipation is regarded as a measure of the availability of grub in the local supermarkets. It was the cost of the exercise which moved him, 200,000,000,000,. That was not a mistake, no typos here folks, it was two hundred billion Zimbabwe Dollars for a crap. Poor Fred, the experience moved him like nothing else in his life, it fair gave him the shits.

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