ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A DAMN GOOD SHIT

It’s not much to ask Santa for is it? I do not want a Cartier watch or a Bang and Olufsen tele, I’ll settle for a simple tom tit. A modest enough ambition, especially when one has not been for weeks and lost hope of passing a load without the aide of an epidural and forceps.

Some people are plagued by bunions or varicose veins, with me it’s my bowels, they have seized up and last weeks breakfast has established squatters rights in them, which adds a new dimension to the term down in the dumps. What does one do next I ask myself.

In desperation I have stuffed laxatives down my throat to the point where I practically choked, naively believing the claims on the packet, which turned out to be a load of diarrhoea despite not inducing any in the human condition. The only dividend I received from these shop soiled panaceas was a series of feeble sphincter rattlers, which did nothing to loosen up my mood or anything else. Another ploy was to raise my legs high when sitting on the bog, an activity which shifted nothing, but did result on me falling off and banging my head, which at least took my mind off my concrete guts.

What next I ask myself, just because I live in a dump, is it too much to expect to be able to have one every now and again? But, life moves on even if my innards won’t, and Christmas in already on the doorstep, so raise your glasses to a merry Yuletide. Bottoms up.

GORDON BROWN, THE TIBERIUS OF OUR AGE

They who ignore the lessons of history are condemned to live with it's mistakes, and as most members of the Labour Party are ignorant of our own history, let alone that of any other nation, then it should come as no surprise that by adopting Gordon Brown by acclamation as their leader, they landed us with the modern equivalent of Tiberius Caesar.
 
Notice Brown's slow moving jaws, just as Augustus described Tiberius. The second Emperor of Rome was intelligent, cunning and beset by dark moods. That's our Gordon all right, the moods do not come any darker and the man is as cunning as a shit house rat. If you doubt any of that, check with Tony Blair.

Tiberius allowed himself to come under the influence of unscrupulous friends, although our modern counterpart would describe that as all balls, despite the influence of his education Secretary, who, for all we know is the trainer of the spintriae.
 
The Emperor frightened the Senate, describing them as men fit to be slaves, ever seen Gordon at the Despatch Box, glowering at all around him in the Commons? And the reaction of those he was glowering at? The analogy is disconcerting to say the least.
 
Now we come to Sejanus, the Praetorian Prefect, a venomous specimen who the Emperor promoted way beyond what his social status merited, and when Sejanus stepped out of line, he was quickly finished off. Oh lordy, Mandy, you'll be for the chop one of these days, mark my words you will, sweet cheeks, especialy when Gordon finds out what you've been saying about him behind his back.
 
In his latter years, Tiberius lashed out at his enemies, treason trials being his weapon of choice. Damian Green love, you really should have seen it coming, your fate could not have been more clear if the Prime minister had put up a notice in the bus shelter signalling his intentions.
 
Now Tiberius, as we all know, spent his last years in a villa on Capri. Well, we do not have anything similar over here to offer our Gordon, but we could always shunt the old bugger off to a caravan on the Isle of Wight.
 
A mean spirited tyrant was how contemporaries described Tiberius, oh Gordon it gets worse as it gets more accurate doesn't it? But, the last word on this subject belongs to the Princeps Augustus, who described his adoptive son Tiberius as mud kneaded with blood. Pace Gordianus.

DAMIAN GREEN AND A FART IN THE FACE OF THE NATION

The arrogance of power lives in blissful ignorance of common sense, as the Damian Green episode demonstrates so graphically. There are many disturbing aspects about this case, the most prominent of these is the use of terrorist laws to harass a sitting MP, that is not what these laws were introduced for. The dissemination of details of government incompetence is not by any yardstick an act of terrorism, there are many who would describe that action as a civic duty, it is certainly the duty of opposition MPs to expose government shortcomings. This is not the first time such legislation has been used in a situation where it should never have been applied, as in the case of the octogenarian arrested under terrorism laws at the labour Party conference for heckling the Home Secretary, that was not a terrorist act either, merely an affirmation of good taste. That such laws are being used to stifle dissent is frightening, where will it all end? We are not heading towards a police state, we are already in one.

These events were not in any way helped by the dreadful Speaker,Michael Martin. this ignorant clown is not fit to be in charge of a bingo hall let alone the forum of our liberties, not content to to allow the police to enter an MP's office and carry away sensitive information which probably included details of the private affairs of constituents, he then seeks to offload the blame onto the shoulders of the over promoted Jill Pay, Searjent at Arms, an individual who has amply demonstrated that she is not fit to be in charge of the corporation lavatory let alone the Nations Parliament. As Miss Pay's predecessor was fired by the Speaker for being too posh I can only conclude that PayPal Jill's only qualification for the job, is that she is as common as arse gas in a cow shed.

The Prime Minister and his Home Secretary, declare they knew nothing about this pantomime. A member of the opposition is arrested, and his office in the Palace of Westminster raided, and the PM and Home Secretary knew nothing about it, dear God do they think we are simple? unfortunately, they do. The arrogance of power you see.

This Government will never apologise for it's actions, it does not believe in admitting to mistakes let alone saying sorry for them, such attitudes go hand in hand with their overweening contempt for the electorate, but they will find out when the time comes that the electors can and will exact a terrible revenge on them when the time comes. New Labour has forgotten what it was that propelled them into government in 1997. it was anger at the Tories not love of labour that gave them their historic majority. The sooner this government is given it's marching orders the better, although I balk as calling these tawdry specimens a government, they are nothing more than a fart in the face of the Nation.