ABIDE WITH ME.

And with these words the Good lord invited his followers, when their days of tribulation and toil have wound to their conclusion to join with him in the fields of Elysium for an eternity of harping and hymn singing. Well, there are plenty of simple souls who are only too willing to fall for this tripe, although I cannot but feel that the prospect of enduring such a cacophony of sanctimonious righteousness would encourage the average person to sin till they dropped in order to avoid a permanent slot in the heavenly band of hope. After all, not all that many mortals can either sing or play a harp so why should it be expected the angels would be any more talented. The promise is that if you are good you will ascend to the hereafter, nothing is said about reaping the ability to twang a harp. However there are those down here who are determined to get up there irrespective of the cost.

What in God’s name is he banging on about this time? You may be wondering, puzzle ye not, an explanation is on the way, whether or not you believe it is another matter, but I do assure you I worship at the feet of veracity, or to put it in the vernacular, I ain’t frying no porkies. As in most situations it all boils down to the middle classes, yes, it’s them again. That lot are everywhere, there is not a cranny of existence into which they have not stuck their beaks, including the hereafter, that’s right folks they are storming the Pearly Gates.

Now suicide in this country is against the law, I cannot fathom why, if the type of person as featured on the Jeremy Kyle show is indicative of the generality of the population, then all I can say is that the sooner they are dispatched to the hereafter then the better for the rest of us left down here. Naturally I am talking about the lower orders of society, not you lot who digest my offerings and are of an entirely different strata of humanity, and who go to the opera, vote labour and would rather die before committing a social faux pas such as farting in mixed company. So down to business, what is all this about? And if you are easily offended then what the hell are you doing on this site in the first place?

This piece is all about the lengths to which the middle classes will go to in order dance the fandango with the Almighty, or to be more precise, the amounts they are prepared to spend in order get the opportunity to do so. No, I have not been on the giggle juice or attempting to pull your plonkers, assuming that is that you have not had them chopped off to comply with all this transgender bollocks. Now where was I? Ah yes, Heavens above and how to get there. Ten grand to join the band, that is the going rate.

Yes I kid you not, that amount is what you have to pay that clinic in Switzerland to guide you over to thy great redeemer. In plain English that’s what they charge to help you top yourself, a bit steep I would say but that’s the Swiss for you, why could not the bastards stick to cuckoo clocks? Come to that why could not them posing middle class sods just jump off Tower Bridge with a brick around their necks. And yes I have an answer to that last one.

It all boils down to snobbery, and there is no greater snob than your middle class snob. Jump off Tower Bridge as per my suggestion and what would the neighbours say? Well, that’s a no brainer if ever there was one, everyone in the street would assume you were too tight to fork out for the cost of topping yourself in a fancy Alpine death dive, or, what would be even worse, that you could not afford to do so, why, that would be a case of social death if ever there was one, appearances are everything in those circles.

Now we have established that one cannot go triping off to Switzerland if one is not a fully paid up member of the social establishment, but I ask you, why would these people want to do so in the first place? After all they are all professional atheists, so why would they pay ten grand to break bread with the Almighty? More important what would they do after barging through the pearly Gates as if they going to the Harrods sale, I doubt there would be a joyous reception awaiting them, especially if they ask Jesus if he has gone transgender and if not why not?