Thursday, 17 March 2011


Television, especially the news programmes, could not survive the week without a plethora of surveys and studies. Making few programmes which are worth watching, the T.V. companies fall back on broadcasting the latest research of various bodies. These polemics are designed for two things only, to frighten the crap out of your archetypal couch potato, and to pressure the powers that be into handing over money to continue the said research, in most cases this amounts to nothing more than a re-hash of the gospel of the bleeding obvious.

The latest in this genre to hit a television screen near you is from a clutch of medicos and suchlike who claim that magnets can relieve menstrual pain, the mind fair boggles at the implications contained therein. I mean to say, we have all heard of a magnetic personality, but a magnetic pussy! Well, the generality of mankind know the attractions of a cunning stunt, but would it still need the additional pull of a magnet to draw attention to it.

Lets go down on the nitty gritty here, as far as I can remember, a magnet is an object shaped something like a horse shoe, naturally the size varies (It is the magnet to which I refer) but I should imagine it would have to be of reasonable size to be effective, and if that is so what about the possible embarrassments which could materialise at the most inopportune moments. Say for instance you are a model and supposed to glide elegantly down the cat walk, well you could hardly do that with a magnet stuck up your mitch, not to mention the bitchy comments that would arise from the fashion tricoteuses, such as for example.

“Second month she’s missed Anna”.

“I had noticed Sapho. You can’t walk like that with your magnet in”.

“And there was me thinking she was one of us. The bitch”.

The permutations on the theme are endless, imagine what could happen on an aircraft. The magnets could effect the instrumentation, passengers would have to be demagnetised before boarding, and British officialdom is not noted for it’s delicacy of expression except when dealing with poofs and illegal immigrants who are not portrayed in television series.

“Roll up, roll up, get yer magnets pulled ‘ere, and that means you missus, you can’t fool me, I can tell a full un.”

“Of course the odd one will get through, desperate to avoid the humiliation of the magnet check. Picture this, auntie Lil sitting in cattle class, looking forward to two weeks in Benidorm and already half cut on duty free Bailey’s. Old Lil is coming up to the change but not quite there, so she still needs her magnet, when suddenly the Captain comes on the intercom.

“What James Blunt back there is wearing her magnet?” Oh, the humiliation of it all. Where would one put one’s face, let alone anything else?

“No leave well alone, technology has it’s place but not up the rosebuds of the nation, I know we live in disturbing times but is it really necessary to make such a cunt of things.

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