Monday, 8 February 2010


Cuckoo. No, I am not talking about clocks, the subject up for dissection is the Swiss, they are not just cuckoo, the entire nation is up the creek, on top of the Alps, and off it’s bleeding trolley. The Swiss, God assoil them for their lack of wits are a generic testimony of what democracy can do to a country if taken seriously by it that countries ruling class. The Swiss have referenda on anything and everything, I would not be surprised to find out that they had held a referendum on the criminalisation of picking ones nose in the street, come to think of it they probably have. The trouble with democracy is that if taken to it’s logical boundaries the voters will think that their opinions matter and that those said opinions must be deferred to by the rulers. This is all absurd, as everyone who is capable of thinking and breaking wind at the same time, knows that the most successful democracies are those where they who have won the election, stick two fingers up to the voters and tell them to get stuffed until the next time their votes are required. And provided that all political parties in the system obey the rules, it works magnificently, just look at Britain if you wish to see an example of this system in eternal operation.
Now with the Swiss it is an entirely different proposition, the moist ridiculous proposals routinely get passed into law, principally because eighty five percent of any population is certifiably thick and will fall for any daft notion without even thinking of the consequences, not that they are capable of so doing in the first place. Naturally I do not expect you trusting souls to take my words at face value. Evidence you cry. Coming up folks, along with a piece of Toblerone my dears.
Let us start with the exercising of ones bodily functions, a normal enough activity in most societies, not in Switzerland, at least not after the hour of 10PM. Allow me to clarify this, it’s not to say that you are forbidden enjoy the relief of a jimmy riddle after the stated time, but if you are a male, you can not stand up and spray after the magic hour. But how would anyone know that you were transgressing? I can only assume that the national Swiss pastime is standing at the partition walls of their apartments with a stethoscope listening in on the neighbours to make sure they are not having a piss out of hours. I suppose it would not be too bad if one lived on the Swiss borders, imagine the scene, three minutes past ten on a dark and moonless evening, within spitting distance of the witching hour.
“Hans, Where the ‘ell do you think you are going at this time of night you long streak of piss?”
“Not to worry Gretel my petal, I’m just nipping over to Germany for a slash”. Where our hero stands amongst the cabbages and peas.
But the absurdities of Swiss life do not end there my darling readers, they have scarcely begun. Take plants, according to the burghers of Zurich or wherever, plants have feelings, and, ipso facto, if they have feelings they have rights, I kid you not, in the Alpine paradise you can be done for picking a bunch of daffs, snatching a daffodil from it’s nurturing sod is cruel, and you must not be cruel to plants, it’s not nice, not nice at all. But there are greater ramifications here, imagine the scene, there you are strolling down the street in Geneva enjoying a bag of chips when the local plod pounces, lo and behold, you are arrested for committing GBH on spuds, and if you had a bit of fish to go with it, well, that just complicates the issue as fish have rights too.
It is not only fish that is in question here, not only do animals have rights, they are entitled to legal representation, so if fido takes a chunk out of the post man’s arse then the mutt can claim a lawyer to represent him. And don’t even think of getting a budgie, you have to have at least two, as one bird, all on his lonesome is a crime as he might get lonely. You have to laugh at all this nonsense, but in Switzerland that is probably against the law as well as practically everything else.
So as I said, this is where democracy gets you. Tell folks they can have what they want and invariably end up with what they deserve. But for all it’s imperfections, I would put up with the Swiss system if it led to the expulsion from public life of bum faced Brown, even if it meant I could not take a leak after ten at night.

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